Old News, but still...

"October 25, 2006: A large methamphetamine distribution organization based in Greeley, Colorado used Elmo dolls to smuggle methamphetamine. The investigation, which began in September 2005, has resulted in the seizure of a total of over 45 pounds of high quality ICE methamphetamine, 1.1 kilos of cocaine, and $59,000 in cash."

However, the real questions on everyone's minds are, "How many dollars worth of Elmo dolls did they seize?" and "Were these dolls then adopted by loving families?"

A Collection of Comments on the World of Christian Products

So, after working for 8 hours today the Christian bookstore, there are a few things I would like to comment on/point out/criticize/etc.

1. There are way too many "The So-and-So Bible"s out there. The latest? Get ready: "The American Patriot's Bible". I kid you not. What's next? "The Fast Food Worker's Bible: Inspired Help for Greasy Fingers". Of course, this will eventually lead to specialty Bibles WITHIN this Bible, such as the "Fast Food Workers Bible: McDonald's Edition (en Español!)". I may do a longer post on this later, but this is enough about that for now.

2. The music listening station is a great tool for customers to preview music in the store before they buy it. One problem with the particular system our store uses: it has a "if you like [insert evil secular artist here] then you'll like [insert Christian artist here]." So, if you're holding your own Anne Veal-esque CD-burning party, then you'll need replacements for all your evil music. However, this system will not help you. Here are some actual results from the system:

"If you like Andrew WK then you'll like Dead Poetic."

"If you like Arcade Fire then you'll like Dead Poetic."

"If you like Dashboard Confessional then you'll like Dead Poetic."

"If you like Lovedrug then you'll like Further Seems Forever."

"If you like Pedro the Lion then you'll like Subseven."

"If you like Modest Mouse then you'll like Delirious."

"If you like Radiohead then you'll like Delirious."

If you have not heard any of these bands, then let me just tell you: these comparisons are TERRIBLE. The mere fact that the same band is recommended for Andrew WK, Arcade Fire, and Dashboard Confessional shows a SERIOUS deficit in artist comparison knowledge.

3. Finally, on the bulletin board where local churches/Christian companies are allowed to post ads/flyers, the following flyer was posted (and I quote VERBATIM, including punctuation/capitalization):

"Are you looking for a change?

Why not save money on child care?

Family's are spending their children's

College Money on Child Care.

Average Child Care cost

$10,100.00 a year.

We care for your children's future

You can save now for a

Quality child care!!

Our cost for child care

$7,500 a year

With us you could save significantly a

large amount!

Adding up to $2,600 a year."

The name of this place is "Little Angel's Ark Learning Center."

Yes! I do want to save now for a Quality child care! Yes! I do want to save significantly a large amount! Adding up to $2,600 a year.(!) "Learning Center"??? What, exactly, are children going to learn from a place that cannot even throw together 5 correct sentences?

How do you make Family Guy funny?

Most will agree that the first 3 seasons of Family Guy were funny because of it's edgy, irreverent, and self-reverential humor. However, when it returned in 2006, "edgy" was no longer edgy, and all the show did was to make fun of itself and offend minority groups, and after 3 seasons of a previously "new" type of humor, people expected it's glorious return to usher in humor at a similarly new and creative level, while its bad and lazy writing fell curse to thinking it was funnier than it actually was. The issues surrounding why Family Guy is no longer funny comprise a long list, and it's a list not even worth reviewing.

However, thanks to the magic of the Internet, FOX puts all episodes of Family Guy online for free, and while it isn't worth my bandwidth and hard drive space to download episodes, HULU can be a nice filler when doing random chores. Well, while doing the below-mentioned boring and tedious job of ironing shirts and pants for the week, I came upon a new episode of Family Guy that finally found a winning combination for "funny":

Kirk Cameron bashing AND the cast from Star Trek: The Next Generation

Michael Dorn/Worf: "Do they [McDonalds] have beer?"

Update: Ironing still sucks

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Baconnaise Guys Go on Oprah: Jon Stewart gets the Credit

According to this article, the guys behind Baconnaise and Bacon Salt went on the Oprah Winfrey Show yesterday (4/24), after sending in samples of their product to the show four times.

According to the article, they didn't get much attention for their products until "a sequence of escalating media attention to seal the deal, beginning with a segment on The Daily Show on February 25."  "Beginning" with that segment.  Hrm, interesting.

The date of the first Boring Things post on Baconnaise? 

January 25.

Baconnaise makes America better than Sweden? Yes!

Wyatt Cenac of "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" recently traveled to Sweden to talk about the merits of socialism with the leading socialist leader in Sweden, and they compared virtues of Swedish society to the benefits of American society.

What was Cenac's trump card against the godless, government-loving, IKEA smoking uber-liberal? That's right: Baconnaise. This Swede couldn't even believe his eyes.

The Boring Things' has created an unstoppable monster. See for yourself:



Oh, and ABC World News Tonight did a story yesterday on the founders of Baconnaise and the company's success: 'Bacontrepreneurs' Building Bacon Empire

Maze

"Damn, why can't my rat do this maze?"

FAQ

Every website worth it's salt has an "FAQ" section, so I figured it was time for The Boring Things in Life to have its own "FAQ" section.  After wading through "billions and billions" of questions, I have narrowed it down to the most "FA" ones. And here they are:

Seriously?

Yes, seriously! We strive for excellence, 'Because Boring Is the New Interesting'™.

Why do you write about boring things?

While the rest of Blogging and "Internet" world wastes thousands upon billions of hours searching for "exciting" things to talk about, only to find that they have already been talked about by someone else, all of us here at The Boring Things take a different approach, best remembered by this handy acronym:

R eally

E very

A rtist

L ives

I n

T he

R estaurant

As you can see, this spells, "REALITR". And what do you get when you trade the 'R' at the end for a 'Y'? That's right: reality.

Why doesn't this site have an FAQ?

Yes it does.

Almost every time I read your blog, I feel like I wasted 5 minutes of my life. Is this normal?

No it is not normal you are clearly a freak.  If The Boring Things was such a waste then clearly YOU HAVE NO TASTE AND PROBABLY NO FRIENDS.

Weren't you a little harsh on that last questioner?

Yes. S/he asked the wrong question at a very volatile time period in my life, and I am already in a very fragile state of mind.

Have you spoken to a counselor about this?

I have thought about it. Do you think I should?

Yes, it might help. When I was fired from my job four years ago I entered a dark place and it took a lot of time and counseling to come out of it. But eventually I did.

Thanks, I'll give that some thought.

Is it true that The Boring Things in Life was originally going to be a TV show?

Yes, it is! But after much consideration, we realized that the "online blog" format was better suited to The Boring Things, and Tom Selleck was "just not interested at all in your project." Well the joke is on him because his sentence structure is clearly flawed.

Well, that's all the FAQing we have time for now!

Free Craigslist House

That's right! All you need is a piece of property to build on, and YOU could make your VERY OWN FREE Craigslist house.  Here's how it works: using only the items listed on 4/21/09 in the "Free" section of reno.craigslist.org, you can build the home of your dreams.

Let's get started!

1. To build your house's walls, you will need the following free items:

- 1 sheet of drywall

- concrete pieces

- wood and wood

- bricks (these can be used as a "floor", if you prefer)

- railroad ties (more flooring)

- and of course, two Anderson windows to let some light into your humble abode

2. Once your walls are completed, you need to paint them a wide variety of colors.

3. Naturally, the first "room" you'll want to do will be the master bedroom. For this, you will need the following free items:

- a corner desk. This will fill out the corner of the wall where you ran out of bricks.

- a king-sized mattress. You will set this on your classy blue Ford Ranger camper shell as your bed.

4. Next up: a room for your little urchins. Because you are building a Free Craigslist House, you have at least 7 children. As such, you will require:

- a bunk bed mattress.

- two queen size mattresses, two twin size mattresses, and a couch

- a Futon bunk bed. That's right. The best of both worlds.

- in addition, you will probably require baby coupons and a coupon for $2 off Goodnites Sleep Pants for the bed-wetter.

5. Now for the living room. You will want to show your friends how classy you are. Thus you will require:

- a Honda CRX transmission, which you will use your skills to convert to a coffee table.

- a sectional couch, complete with pillows and dog

- a Simons hide-a-bed couch, because you deserve it, and so does anyone who wishes to spend the night at your house.

6. Time for the computer/family room!

- a "very usable" computer desk WITH printer hutch!

- legal file folders. For all those important documents that you don't have.

- and let's not forget the Spirit XT9 treadmill to work off all those generic-brand peanut butter cups!

7. Finally, a "utility room." This room will be a combo laundry room/bathroom/kitchen, because who needs one of each?

- a White Frigidaire Washer. You have to turn it yourself, so after you give your legs a workout on the treadmill, it's time to exercise your upper body AND clean your clothes!

- banquet-size coffee brewers. This is really the only kitchen item you need, because only coffee is important for you to consume.

- a concrete bird bath bowl. BUT you can use it as a sink!

- Because you have 7 children, you will want to save time by bathing them all at once in your six-by-six foot hot tub!

- in the meantime, you and the missus will have "his and hers" 1980 Kohler steel tubs to bathe in!

Congratulations! Your house is finished! Now fill in all the cracks and holes in your floor/walls/ceiling with cardboard and bubble wrap!

UPDATE: Mohawk kids and cool dads!

Ben (at the Mariner's game) saw and documented this real-life case of a Cool Dad (complete with Budweiser and backwards cap) and a mohawk-bearing Child of Cool Dad!

Lest anyone should think this phenomenon was merely a creation The Boring Things in Life. A creation? No. Just more cutting-edge observations which will doubtless be imitated in the near future by the likes of CNET.com, Comedy Central, and possibly Will Smith.

Introducing the Bottle Spoon!

Introducing the all-new Bottle Spoon! 

Eat your food with flair and style!

Great for peanut butter!

Make your friends jealous as you eat 

organic raisins with your Bottle Spoon!

Even works great for cheese!

Get YOUR Bottle Spoon!! Call 1-888-SPOON-ME today! Call within the next 20 minutes and we'll throw in an extra Bottle Spoon at NO EXTRA CHARGE! That's TWO Awesome Bottle Spoons for the price of ONE! Call now! 1-888-SPOON-ME

Life is Better... hmmm

Saw this slogan in a recent L.L. Bean Outdoors catalog:

"Life is better outdoors!"

Now, there are several problems with this statement: One is that it's simply not true. If it were, people would all live in a wall-less house with no roof. Life is not better outdoors, life is better indoors. Indoors there are no (or fewer) insects to bite you. 

Indoors there is air conditioning. 

Indoors there is heat in the winter. The list goes on and on. 

If you don't believe me, trade places with this guy for a few days, weeks, or months. --->

Truly, life is better indoors.

He's Not Cool and Neither is He

Perhaps one of the most irritating and fatuous things that I occasionally come across in my Ventures into the General Public is little boys (as in, under 10 years old) who have mohawks, fauxhawks, earrings, or some other ridiculous confirmation of their parents' stupidity. Most of the time, these kids are ill-behaved little hellions with disrespectful attitudes towards their parents (understandable) 

                   Lame Kid                         and strangers (unacceptable). The parents are usually "Cool Moms" or "Cool Dads" who are, in fact, completely uncool. Usually the dialogue between the parents and the children in a store goes something like this:

COOL DAD: "Hey Tyson, didja' see this cool [insert the least cool thing in the store]?"

CHILD *in scratchy obnoxiously-loud high-pitched always-on-verge-of-whiny voice*: "WHOA! COOL! Can you get that for me?"

COOL DAD: "Hehe, well didja' save yer allowance?"

CHILD: "Yeah, Dad, yeah! I've got 20 bucks!"

COOL DAD: "Well this one is 40 bucks, you got that much, bro?"

CHILD: "I WANT IT! I WANT IT! I WANT IT!"

COOL DAD: "Cool... OK, tell you what: I'll pay the difference."

CHILD: "Yeah! Cool!"                                Lame Dad

Meanwhile, it is absolutely 100% perfectly obvious to everyone else in the store that

A) This child is incredibly annoying,

B) This parent is incredibly uncool,

C) This parent has always been incredibly uncool,

D) This child will grow up to be incredibly uncool.

Some Friendly Tax Tips from the Boring Things in Life

Well, tax day is just around the corner (tomorrow!) and so, if you haven't done your taxes yet, here are a few friendly tips from The Boring Things in Life:

Q: "I work a part-time job at McDonald's and give 10% of my monthly income to charity. Where do I put those charitable donations?"

A: You don't. You work part-time at McDonald's. Your standard deduction is larger than any itemized deduction you could come up with, I guarantee it."

Q: "I want to get my taxes done at the H&R Block in Wal-Mart, is that a reliable service?"

A: The "experts" at H&R Block in Wal-Mart have studied taxes for about as long as you have. They are hired en masse in time for tax season. Don't waste your money.

Q: "I bought a case of Baconnaise in early 2008 for $120. Can I deduct this as a business asset that reduces in value?"

A: The value of Baconnaise unfortunately drops from $6/bottle to $0/bottle as soon as you've tasted it. Sounds like a one-time $120 business deduction to me!

Q: "I have a home-based business where I copy DVDs from Blockbuster and sell them to students on my dorm floor at a profit. Can I deduct the DVD rentals and DVD-R costs as business expenses?"

A: It is advisable to keep this business as hush-hush as possible: sending a list of your illegal business expenses to the IRS does not qualify as hush-hush.

Q: "I owe several thousand dollars in back taxes. It wasn't my fault though, I just couldn't figure out how to calculate my taxes and, as a millionaire, I cannot afford a decent accountant. What should I do?"

A: Congratulations! You may qualify for a spot on President Obama's cabinet! Please send your resume to:   The White House, c/o President Barack Obama, 1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW, Washington, D.C. 20500.

Happy Easter

Mainstream media jumps on The Boring Things in Life's Baconaise Craze!

On Sunday January 25th, The Boring Things informed the world of what could have been the most genius invention in the history of food: "Baconaise," from J&D's, the same small Seattle company responsible for the wildly popular BaconSalt. The Boring Things' original Baconaise story

I then went on to purchase and taste test this seemingly amazing product, and it was terrible. The Boring Things' Baconaise review

Well, back in February, Jon Stewart promoted Baconaise on The Daily Show by trying some, and he was (not surprisingly) caught off-guard by the awful flavor and strength of this paste/dip/sauce.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	M - Th 11p / 10c
Bobby Jindal's Republican Response
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Economic Crisis Political Humor

Coming off this moment in the spotlight, today's Seattle Times has a large front-page story about the popularity of the company's products like Baconaise and BaconSalt, and about Seattle's apparent obsession with bacon and bacon products. It's mayo - it's bacon - it's Baconaise - and sales are sizzling!

TheBoringThings.com never received a single ounce of credit for any of this publicity storm. You're welcome, J&D's. We'll be expecting the royalty check any day now.

Harsh Realm

I just finished watching another short-lived Chris Carter show, "Harsh Realm". There were only nine episodes shot before the show was cancelled, and (naturally) the show was never "resolved." Although some of the characters' actions (particularly the main character) were pretty far-fetched, it was overall an entertaining show. And of course guess who cancelled it? Fox. Who else?

Next show on my "to watch" list is the dark murder-mystery show (also by Chris Carter), "Millenium". I've watched a couple of episodes already, and it's also looking to be a good show. Luckily, this one lasted 3 seasons.

The Lone Gunmen

The three quirky conspiracy theorists, Byers, Frohike, and Langly, who made occasional appearances on The X-Files to help out Mulder and Scully, also had their own brief-run television show. I just finished watching it, and it was actually rather entertaining. It only had 13 episodes (and the finale was a cliff-hanger that actually wrapped up in an X-Files episode), but most of the episodes were not bad.

Ahhh spin-offs.

Capriotti's

Always interested to try a new place, I gave Capriotti's a try. I decided to give their cheesesteak a go, since that is what they are trying to "claim fame" from.  The wait was approximately 30 minutes. When the food came, it was good. Good, not great. Their sizes are definitely on the larger size (a small is 9", medium is 12", large is 16").  The place was busy and bustling the whole time I was there, which was either due to a large amount of customers or due to their slow service which kept people standing around waiting.  Apparently there are tons of these places in Vegas. Maybe ours was just slow because they're still learning? (but learning what? who doesn't know how to make a sandwich?)

Anyhow, I might give this place another shot sometime in the future, but for the time being I'll probably stick with Juicy's hamburgers for a great lunch.

Movies Posts Only!

In an attempt to de-clutter The Boring Things in Life of my seemingly endless movie postings, I have started another blog devoted exclusively to movies. So, if you have an interest in movies, then that blog will be just the ticket. I plan to post a LOT about movies. Frankly, I've been restraining myself on this blog from making endless movie postings that would be sure to bore our Boring Things audience.

So... in summary... go to

moviepostsonly.blogspot.com

to enjoy the ranting, raving, reviewing, and chatting about movies, movies, and more movies! In the meantime, this blog will continue to post the relevant and urgent information that you have come to expect from it. Cheers!

Where Do They Find These People?

Have you ever been sitting there watching a reality show and thought to yourself, "Man! Where do they find people THIS stupid and annoying??!?"

After posting this ad on the Dallas Craigslist personals (to see what kind of hilarious responses it might generate), I received this reply to it:

"Hey there! I’m Stacey a casting producer in Los Angeles working on a new relationship show! Saw your ad on craigslist looking for love and you are really cute...even if your face in morphed...hahah....We are going to be in Dallas April 6th for an open casting call for the show.  Would you be interested in coming in and meeting us?  Here is a little write up about the show and I’m attaching a flyer for the open call as well....Hit me back if your interested....WE WILL FIND YOU LOVE!!! HAHAH... 


Stacey Roeder
Casting Producer
Kasstinginc.
323.297.7125 office"

So now we know (at least partially) where they dig up these desperate, pathetic losers: Craigslist. Incidentally, here's the casting call flyer for the "relationship show" she was seeking out CL losers for:

"MORE TO LOVE"

FROM THE PRODUCERS OF 

“THE BACHELOR”   

 

A New Relationship Show 

Love comes in all shapes and sizes! 

Now casting a new reality dating series finally looking for a 

REAL man, and IT'S ABOUT TIME! 

 Tired of the single life and want to settle down? Is your perfect 

10 a REAL woman with curves? 

Searching for America's most large and lovable single guy 

who is looking for love. 

No six packs allowed…we are looking for a man who is a softy 

inside and out- a real "Teddy Bear"! 

DALLAS OPEN CALL!!! 

MONDAY 4/6/09   

6PM - 9PM

Hilarious.

The Final Answer

The question that we have all been asking for years FINALLY has a scientific answer?

Who would win in a fight? GoogleFight has the answer:

It's what I thought all along.

Good Stuff / Great Stuff

On the advice of a certain colleague, I have recently begun to refocus my movie-watching from new releases to movies that are considered classics and/or I have wanted to watch for a while. What a great experience this has been! Five out of the last six movies I watched have been superb (the one that wasn't was a new release).

- The Shining. Feeling in the mood for a good horror movie, I decided to dig up this one. As mentioned in an earlier post, it was excellent.

- The Exorcist (1973). The Shining was so rewarding that I was left wanting more classic horror. So I dug up this one.  Truly, one of the most horrifying horror movies ever created. A totally different type of horror movie than The Shining, but also excellent in its own right.

- Shaun of the Dead. This movie was probably the best, funniest comedy-zombie flick I've ever seen. Along the same lines as Hot Fuzz (as far as comedic styling goes). Really funny.

- The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou. For some reason, I resisted seeing this Wes Anderson movie for a long time. I don't know why... I have yet to see one of his movies that I haven't liked (well, Rushmore was just "OK" for me).  I am so glad that I decided to watch this movie. Probably my favorite Anderson movie that I have seen yet (although his movies are difficult to "rank" amongst each other because they are all excellent in their own unique way).

- Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964). Another spectacular movie from Kubrick. Hilarious and extremely well-made, this movie gives the viewer a glimpse into the culture of atomic fear at the height of the Cold War. Sellers and Scott are both perfectly cast.

Bailout Blowout Sale!

With all the talk of "bailouts" pervading the news today, it is only natural that companies, large and small, have decided to incorporate this word into their everyday sales jargon.  "2-for-1 Burger Bailout!", "Bailout Bargain Deal", "Bailout Sale of the Century," etc.  I have bad news for advertisers. This doesn't not work on any level.

             Sorry Domino's, you lose.

The bailouts are something that the majority of Americans have been AGAINST. Associating your product with something that is widely unpopular is ill-advised ("It's the Great Outdoors Bush Mission Accomplished Sale!").

Now, obviously they're trying to make the average consumer idiot-douchebag think, "Gee! 'Bout time someone bailed ME out with that buy-one-get-one burger sale!" or "I deserved that bailout sale set of sheets from Kohls!" But, guess wha... hrm, well actually that might work on the average consumer idiot-douchebag.

The final point is that these "bailouts" by stores do not parallel at all with actual U.S. government bailouts. For an accurate parallel, two things would have to apply:

1) The "bailouts" would ONLY be offered to consumers who spend and budget unfathomably irresponsibly.

2) The store "giving" the "bailout" would have to itself be failing and in debt.