Uncle Typography

With the recent (very exciting) news that I will be an Uncle to a child in May 2011, I feel that I must analyze (based on my own Uncle experiences) the various types of Uncles that I could become.

The Distant Uncle

The Distant Uncle is the uncle that, by mere separation of time and space, does not get to know the nephew/niece very well. This Uncle is usually a likable guy, clever, and is overall well-liked by his entire family. Due to a usually-large difference between this uncle and his nephew/nieces' families' lifestyles, socio-economic status, and (again) time/space separations, the nephew/niece usually won't get to know this Uncle very well, but will nonetheless like him.

The Alpha-Male Uncle

The Alpha-Male Uncle is the one that is usually fun to be around, and sometimes intolerable to be around. Alpha-Male Uncle likes to hang out with the kids, play games/sports with them, take them out to eat or for ice cream, and in general spend time with the kids without trying to be a "cool guy." All is not necessarily perfect about this Uncle type: on occasion, when this Uncle is hanging out with the kids playing games/sports or what have you, he will forget that he is actually just hanging out with his young nephews and nieces, and become overly competitive and/or aggressive with them. This usually results in a feeling of betrayal by the nephew/niece, who was previously wooed by the Uncle's grand gestures of affection.

While the Alpha-Male Uncle usually remains popular throughout the niece/nephew's childhood, he is usually eventually regarded with a friendly cautiousness by said niece/nephew as they get older and learn to recognize Alpha-Male Uncle's pros and cons.

The "Relatable" Uncle

The "Relatable" Uncle is the one who really REALLY wants his nephews and nieces to like him, but goes about trying to earn this in all the wrong ways. Usually "Relatable" Uncle tries to stay up on what's "hip" or "cool" in the child's life, and will often make comments from the "Kid's Perspective" to show just how cool and "in" he is with his nephews/nieces.

Unfortunately, "Relatable" Uncle's glory days typically end when the kid is about 8 years old and realizes that "Relatable" Uncle is super-lame. "Relatable" Uncle earns no respect from his nieces and nephews, and unfortunately becomes something of a pariah of the Uncle World.

The Well-Balanced Uncle

The Well-Balanced Uncle is the uncle that every uncle should try to be. He is just doting and likable enough to buy his nieces/nephews' love, but is just ambivalent enough towards them to make them realize that he is an adult, and they are children. The Well-Balanced Uncle is the most likely to be kept in contact once the niece/nephew grows up, because he is regarded simply as a friend who happens to be related to the nephew/niece, and therefore can be relied-upon due to his family ties. Of all of the Uncle Types, this is the one who is LEAST likely to become nothing more than an artifact of the nephew/niece's childhood.

The Wild Card Uncle

This is the guy who you call "Uncle So-and-So", but when you're a kid you're never quite certain exactly HOW he is your Uncle, as he doesn't seem to be the sibling of either of your parents. When you grow up, you usually come to realize that "Uncle So-and-So" is in fact your PARENT's uncle (ie the sibling of your grandparents) and therefore is actually your great-uncle. Wild Card Uncle is usually likable enough, but also relatedly-distant enough that his consideration of you is diminished to the point of being unlikely to see this uncle or keep in contact with him much as you get older.

So what kind of Uncle will I become? I don't know, but consideration of the above categories is convincing enough to make me want to be aware and conscientious of what kind of an Uncle I will become.