Today I went to the Dollar Tree. I wasn't planning on making a blog post out of it, but this trip just had too much good stuff not to. Starting in the food section...
Yes, that is Larry the Cable Guy chicken batter. You see, food at the Dollar Tree consists of two basic types: cheap stuff that's there all the time, and discontinued stuff that wasn't originally intended to be this cheap, but was such an epic failure in the "real" retail world that it was passed down the ranks to the Dollar Tree. Clearly, the real winners are the consumers, who get to eat Larry the Cable Guy batter for just $1.
Then there's the meats. Super-processed meats are always questionable, Dollar Tree super-processed meats are SUPER questionable. They're not all terrible, though. Brian used to enjoy buying these pepperonis at the Dollar Tree here in Ellensburg:
and I admit, they are tasty. AND they don't make you feel sick! (Always a very real point when discussing the deliciousness of Dollar Tree food: "I really liked it, AND I didn't get sick!"). There are some things, though, that simply should not be tried...
That, right there, is a $1 3.5 oz "rib eye steak". I have not, and will never, buy or eat one of these. This is a Dollar Tree regular, which means its quality is genuinely abysmal, and the back...
... just tells the whole story. No thank you. That's about as appetizing as a dog turd.
And speaking of turds...
Another popular Dollar Tree item is rejected/discontinued energy drinks. "Red Rain" is the newest entry into the Dollar Tree market. Making a successful energy drink is apparently a delicate balance of a good name combined with good taste. With Red Rain, you get both a bad name AND bad taste. If you're thinking, "Ewww, an energy drink named Red Rain? That sounds like a drink that will make me rain down red on my toilet bowl!" then you're thinking correctly. Red Rain's terrible name was probably not intentionally, but was unfortunately indicative of the terrible, burning diarrhea that it causes.
Luckily, though, the Dollar Tree is also here to help...
The answer is yes. That is a menthol relief STICK. Like deodorant, only more cooling and pain-relieving, apparently. It says it's "Quick and easy! For soothing relief." Maybe it was meant to alleviate the pain of your ass after the brimstone volley rained down by Red Rain.
And because it's Halloween, the Dollar Tree has it's usual selection of ghastly (no, really, they taste terrible) candies...
Those "Lightning Skulls" look suspiciously like Darth Vader. That "WARNING" on the bag is probably something about not feeding the LED light in the tongs to your child. And speaking of children...
That's right. The magic, the madness, the WHOLE FREAKING STORY. For $1. Apparently this book has simply not captured the hearts and minds of, well, anyone...
Yes, Target.com apparently "Bookmarked" it to make it a bargain 30% off of the publisher's list price. But that wasn't enough. It had to go lower. And lower. Until eventually, Target said, "Hey, Dollar Tree! If we sell them to you for 50¢ each, will you buy 10,000,000,000 un-sellable Michael Jackson books from us?" The answer from the Dollar Tree was obviously, "Yes, let us show you the power of low prices for garbage products."
And finally...
:
Miniature snow-globes! They're not particularly nice, and I can't think of anyone who would actually like these, BUT they do seem to be the most economically-feasible (if not justifiable) way of fulfilling my lifelong dream of smashing a snow-globe.
Yes, trips to the Dollar Tree are always fulfilling, exciting, terrifying, and rewarding adventures.
6 comments:
Wait, they now have HORMEL pepperonis? I don't remember the name of the brand I used to get, but it certainly didn't have THAT much prestige. But they were good in a give-Jelly-every-fourth-slice way.
Yeah, it used to be some knockoff and then Hormel must have stepped in and said "Wait! We can make super-cheap give-Jelly-every-fourth-slice pepperonis too!"
So the Dollar Store pretty much sells mostly dog food? Yeah. Thought so.
I stumbled across this through a Google search while looking for more Larry the Cable guy food products (yes I tried the batter but I scored up on it for a dollar at Big Lot's instead of the DT)
But your blog post had me and my family in stitches! Thanks for the laugh this post was awesome! ^_^
How was the batter? I'm guessing it must have been pretty good if you were looking for more Larry the Cable Guy products.
Well, for me it was actually very good. He also has a beer bread product too! Pretty good. Plus all the proceeds go to his organization to a childrens hospital in Florida. Though I did enjoy the blog:)
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