I tried to post this to David Bentler's Facebook wall, but Facebook said it was too long. I will not be denied.

OH MY GOSH I SO WANT TO COME TO SEATTLE AND WATCH SOCCER WITH YOU AND JOEL AND BJ ON SUNDAY NIGHT. CAN I DO THIS, PLEASE? WILL THIS HAPPEN? WILL IT BE POSSIBLE? DO YOU TYPE HARDER WHEN CAPS LOCK IS ON FOR EXTRA EMPHASIS, EVEN THOUGH THIS EXTRA EMPHASIS ONLY SHOWS UP IN MY EMOTIONAL STATE AS I TYPE AND HOW THIS MAKES ME FEEL BETTER? OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE? PLEASE HELP ME AND MY SHITTY CAR MAKE IT TO SEATTLE FOR SUNDAY'S SOCCER. BUT ONLY IF Joel Slagle IS THERE. I LOVE THAT MAN ALMOST AS MUCH AS YOU. MAYBE JUST AS MUCH. MAYBE JUST A LITTLE LESS. CAN YOU FIND ANY TYPOS IN THIS MESSAGE? NO? THAT'S BECAUSE I HAVE SPELL CHECK BUILT INTO MY BROWSER. TYPING IS REALLY HARD RIGHT NOW. I AM DOING THIS BECAUSE THERE ARE SEVERAL PEOPLE I WANT TO CALL/TEXT/MESSAGE RIGHT NOW BUT IF I DID I WOULD SAY THINGS THAT WOULD PERMANENTLY DAMAGE MY RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM AND WOULD REVEAL THE ELEMENTS OF LUCIFER THAT RESIDE IN THE DARK FOLDS OF MY SOUL. OH TO BE AN OPEN AND HONEST EXTROVERT. THE BOWELS OF PASSION RING OUT YET THEY RING HOLLOW AND DRY. THERE IS A CRACK IN MY LOVE BELL THAT WILL NEVER BE FIXED. IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA AND LOUIS C.K. ARE HILARIOUS. I HAVE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO MEET YOU AND SPEND OODLES AND OODLES OF TIME WITH YOU. I WANT OODLES OF YOUR TIME. DO YOU THINK ANYONE WILL EVER READ THIS? BILL MURRAY IS AN AMERICAN TREASURE. EVERY TIME I THINK I'M DONE I THINK OF SOMETHING NEW TO SAY. HOW WILL THIS SHOW UP ON YOUR iPHONE? OH MY GOSH WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON BLACK FRIDAY? I WAS THINKING ABOUT THIS AS SOON AS THE CALENDAR HIT NOVEMBER AND I COULDN'T THINK OF ANYONE I'D RATHER WAIT IN LINE WITH AT 3AM THAN YOU. ANY PLANS? I SPENT $200 ON MOVIE POSTERS AND $100 ON MOVIES THIS WEEK, SO I WON'T BE DOING ANY SHOPPING ON BLACK FRIDAY, BUT I LOVE THE EXPERIENCE.